Clearing the Path

I thought it was all about self-examination. I was right and I was wrong.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to unpack my childhood, to see who the players were and what happened during those formative years. I’ve alternatively been angry with those family members and forgiving of them. And yet I’ve chosen to stay in their lives, at least until very recently. Getting space from my family has opened up a new chasm of reflection and as I stare down into it I am surprised at what I see. I see people obstructed by their limits.

I’m not sure what predisposes a person to be unwilling or unable or even disinterested in self-examination. But I do know that people who have hurt me the most in my life have that in common, a life unexamined. They will tell me, yes, they hurt me, but they meant well. Yes, they wronged me, but they couldn’t help it. I do not have the right to ask them to own or explain something that happened long ago. And the things they say and do today? Well, they can’t change. This is who they are. This is how they live, a life unexamined.

A family quickly becomes overpopulated with this type of person. Not everyone can be so self-involved. There must be other players to bend and flex. Someone needs to read the room and figure out how to make everything work. That was me. I didn’t choose my role, I don’t judge children for surviving what they are given. But I did stay in that role too long. I am embarrassed about that.

As an adult, I did all the self-examination I could muster. I read books and went to therapy. But I did not see the one thing that I really needed to do which was separate myself from these people. And yes, these books and therapists told me to do that, but I did not listen. I was, in fact, obstructed by my limits. I finally tripped completely over. That got my attention. I saw what I had to do and did it.

I am now on an extended break from my family. And it is wonderful. And terrible. And wonderful. I am slowly reaping the benefits of a life unencumbered by my old role. And having awakened to one way I was blocked, I am now watchful for any others. And I have learned a very valuable lesson about personal growth. As important as self-examination is, even those practicing it can remain stuck. Growth takes action. For me that gives me even more reason to continue to work so I can live a life unobstructed.