Fail-safe

Emotions are on overload
bubbling and churning violently beneath the surface
all fall into fail-safe mode
Some make jokes
some get busy
some get tired
some leave

She sits
Her eyes are tired
and scared
no help is coming
no plans left to be made
all that remains is a series of next things
the banal
the ordinary
her fail-safe mode is to fight
but she is not allowed even that

I watch
but I am not just a narrator
I am an active player
what is my role?
a rough assistant in banal things
but more than that
a witness
not just to this last suffering
but to the end of a life
which miraculously is filled
with laughter and music,
babies crying, dogs coming in for a sniff,
reckonings, admissions, reunions, and mendings

And just before the end
her eyes open
and she looks around at us
and we have finally found our truest and deepest
fail-safe mode
a circle of love

After, we revert to our common roles
some make jokes
some get busy
some get tired
some leave
I watch

But now I know these are all just our surface roles
and underneath that surface
beating away even when all goes wrong
is our circle of love
Let us not forget it

We miss you, Ellie.