Happy Old Year

I have never made a New Year’s resolution that stuck. Until this year. But this isn’t one of those articles that will outline easy steps for you to follow to finally keep your resolution. This is about finally tackling something that I already attempted several times. I stopped drinking. It was challenging and the act of keeping this resolution has produced a lot of opportunities for personal growth which in and of itself is also challenging, but also rewarding.

I had already tried quitting drinking a few times and failed. On a few occasions over the preceding year, I had “quit.” And then something would come up like stress, or a party, and I would lose my resolve. I could not go more than a couple of weeks without drinking and it was a red flag to me. I had not expected it to be so hard to set my resolve. I decided to look for some help.

I am a reader so it was logical for me to seek out some books. I read a few books by people who had walked the same path and found sobriety. I read books by people who outlined more specifically the whys and hows of quitting drinking. I’m not saying I found my sobriety bible but in each of these books, I saw myself and from each, I took the ideas that I felt best connected.

So by January 1st, I had laid some ground for myself. I found my resolve in preparing myself mentally. I found some inspiration in my reading and some energy by choosing the beginning of the New Year. I told my closest family members and they were supportive and non-judgmental. They had already experienced me claiming sobriety and failing so I’m not sure how high their hopes were. I did not tell anyone else.

I was shy about quitting drinking. I did not want anyone to think I had a problem, right? I don’t want anyone thinking I was a drunk, an alcoholic. I wasn’t driving drunk or drinking daily or blacking out. But I had a problem with drinking. What I have learned is that people who quit drinking generally do so because they have a problem with it. And that “problem” can look like a lot of different things. Those things are personal and it’s okay to be private about that, especially when you’re quitting. I am still shy about telling people I quit. People often ask why. I generally say it just wasn’t good for me anymore. That seems to both be just enough information to satiate the asker and is honest and yet vague enough for me to feel good about.

For the first couple of months, I avoided social situations where I would usually drink. Then I ventured out, ordering mocktails and non-alcoholic beers. My friends and family, for the most part, asked enough about my sobriety to be supportive and then just carried on, god bless them. There were a few that did not want to get together with me if I wasn’t drinking and one that regularly offered me alcohol and said surely one day I’ll just drink again. But luckily those were the few.

One thing that has surprised me since I’ve quit is just how pervasive alcohol is in my life. My grocery stores have aisles and aisles of every kind of alcohol. My town has 12 breweries in it. I walk by one of them to get to my fruit and vegetable stand. Nearly every restaurant serves beer and cocktails, even breakfast cafes. I am lucky to not be bothered by others drinking around me or by being near alcohol. Those who struggle are hard-pressed to get away from the stuff.

I have experienced some noticeable benefits from being sober. I sleep better. I no longer suffer from having my red wine wake me up in the middle of the night. I have far fewer headaches and enjoy all of my Saturdays, even the mornings. I remember all of what I said at a party and am usually not embarrassed by any of it. I have fewer stomach and digestive problems. Even my sinuses are better. I did not even realize how alcohol was affecting my stomach or sinuses. I lost a few pounds. Not as many as I hoped I would, but still.

I do miss how instantly relaxed I would get and how readily I would laugh when I would drink. I asked my husband if I am as much fun as I was when I was drinking. He admitted that I was not but that I was also not as obnoxious or embarrassing or loud. And that I was still pretty fun.

By far the biggest benefit of being sober for me has also been the hardest part; personal growth. I was mostly drinking to manage stress, to mask pain, to escape. This year I have had no escape. I have had to face my pain and to learn new ways to manage my stress. I did not have a plan for this but I have slowly but surely added bits and pieces that have worked for me. I read more books, listen to more music, eat better, cook more. I go for more walks, started writing again, and started seeing a therapist. I wish I could say this part has been easy but it hasn’t. Personal growth is work. I don’t feel good at it but I do feel rewarded by it.

As the year comes to a close I feel a lot of pride about keeping this resolution. And I am happy to be in a place with alcohol where I don’t really miss it. It is like that boyfriend that I was so in love with, and all the “firsts” without him were hard. Even though we were together a long time and he was fun and we have good memories, I don’t miss the bad times and I now know we weren’t meant to be together. I have new memories now and a new outlook. I’ll ring in the New Year this year with a mocktail, knowing I will be up in the morning more ready than ever to face another New Year.