Impact
July 2, 2012
When I was 20, yes, 20, I married well. How can one decide something so well at 20 I do not know, but I did. You see, one of my great challenges in life is showing up for myself. I don't seek to be noticed, to stand out. I don't want the spotlight. I don't want to offend. I don't want to be in charge. Sometimes these traits make me a very nice person to be around but sometimes these traits hold me back from doing exactly what I am supposed to do. Anyway, I married someone who likes to be noticed, who enjoys standing out. He loves the spotlight, to be in charge, and doesn't mind offending someone if it is necessary. Sounds like the perfect balance for me, right? Except that he has never been content with it. He wants to to do exactly what I am supposed to do. He wants to step out of the spotlight and push me into it and tell me, "Tell them what you said to me!" or "Write your story!" For 21 years of marriage his requests that I step out into the spotlight, take charge, and offend away have become more frequent and more pointed.
We just got back from a weekend away. We have not done that for a very long time and it was pretty awesome. On the ferry home we got to talking about how impactful our lives are in the world. We wondered what part of our lives we bring to this world will be left when we are gone. Scott said that he didn't think he was individually a very impactful person but that his life is more about being my support person so that I could impact the world. I was floored and asked him whatever he could be talking about. He said that he thought I was very wise and that I am supposed to impart this some way, maybe writing (He is always trying to get me to write a book!). I was so touched hearing these words and coming from someone I respect most in this world. It fanned a flame that lies deep inside me.
I have been a housewife for 16 years. For me "housewife" means mother, teacher, storyteller, counselor, philosopher, peacemaker, scout leader, chess player, cook, judge, maid, accountant, decorator, shopper, planner, artist, party planner, gardener, roofer, painter, floor installer, reader, poet, yogi, photographer, protector, defender, driver, sports attender, laundress, first responder, problem-solver, and confidante. It hasn't been boring but mostly my talents have been cloistered inside this little wooden house on Grant St. Now I am studying to get a teaching certificate and take many of these talents into the community. But impact the world? I don't know.
If I had something valuable that was meant to have a great impact I think it would be terrible to not offer it though. So, I have decided to write. I will write and leave my impact in a collection of graphemes sent out to the "cloud" that hovers over this earth. If you, my reader, have found this and found anything of value to your life, than that is enough impact for me.
