Ivy and Gabriel

Ethan was a 14-year-old drug addict, although we didn’t really know it quite yet. It was early. He had new friends and was not only smoking but selling pot as well. There were other substances too but what and how much was still unknown to us. There were fights, both with us and with other boys both at school and in the streets. Things went missing from the house. Police were called both to the school and to our home. He ran away multiple times. We searched for him in terrible places night after night. He refused to live with us but insisted on living with a friend from school who we knew was using much harder drugs. We negotiated a stay at an inpatient mental ward in exchange for a chance to live with this family.

In the midst of this, we met Ivy and Gabriel. Their younger son was friends with our younger son. They were younger and cooler than us but we bonded quickly. I was a mess then. Struggling so hard to get my feet under me every day. I would stop by their house for a cocktail, to hold their baby, or just to talk. Our sons played together and we carpooled to soccer. They got to know Ethan a bit. Gabriel was a designer and Ethan really admired his work. Gabriel offered to apprentice him. One day Ethan told me that Gabriel was a good example of someone that was high every day but could still be successful. He revealed that not only was Gabriel getting high around Ethan but with Ethan.

I talked to Gabriel. I explained that while I did not judge his substance use and his success with building and balancing his life while using these substances, Ethan was not able to do that. I asked him to please not be high around Ethan. He seemed to hear me and agree.

But later I got a very angry call from Ivy. How dare I talk to her husband like that when he was only trying to help? At the time I was incredulous that she could not see the problems Ethan was having with substances and how harmful it was for them to encourage his use. Looking back I see that they could not understand Ethan’s addiction and that they saw me and just having an older person’s mindset about drugs.

We immediately lost contact with them. They wanted nothing to do with us. I think all they felt from my request was judgment and a lack of gratitude. And I get that. They were not the only casualties in our friend group during that time of having a child who is an addict. There were others. Well-meaning friends who just thought we were doing it wrong, that they could reach Ethan. I wish any of them had been right and could have helped but sadly each of their efforts would only make things worse. We needed our people to follow our lead.

It took us some time but I believed we tried everything. Some things actually helped for a time. But in the end, it was always up to him. We are lucky he never went to prison. We are lucky he is alive.

I miss all of our old friends like Ivy and Gabriel. I miss the innocence of believing that we can all live differently and just trust one another. I wish they had trusted us in a situation that was difficult and could have seen that we were actually actively doing everything to manage. I wish we all trusted each other more. I wish we could respect one another’s boundaries, especially the ones we don’t quite understand. I wish we all listened more and were offended less. These are my lessons, not to use to judge my friends like Ivy and Gabriel but to employ in my own life. To bring to my current relationships.

Onward.