Relapse

The old pain
long gone but remembered in pixelated detail by this body
synapses fired
messages sent
distress from the root to all its arterial legions
awoken and fighting in moments.

Even the old emotions are stirred
feelings of loss, mourning, regret, despair
so indelibly linked to this particular cache of symptoms
echoing back more than 40 years
years I can barely remember
but my body remembers every agonizing detail of this malady
I am young
and scared
and cannot see a path forward
through this dark forest of affliction

I call in the big guns
my ancient wisdom
my heart mother
The part of me that knows. That can move through anything.
That shields me from panic. That lets me cry and then helps me call the doctor.
She and I have gotten through worse than this and we will be
triumphant again.