Doldrums

The wind was not great 

But it got me out here

To the middle of this ocean

This wide expanse

This lonely forever

First the wind shifted

Into an intermittent breeze

And then it stopped altogether

My sails hang lifeless

From this old mast.

Adrift, I am given over

To my thoughts

Not quite to despair

But to my old pensive state 

I’ve been here before

The view from here

is unchanging

I exist in the realm

Between consciousness

and unconsciousness

I resent being in this state

The wind is a cruel mistress

Unrelenting one moment

And absent the next

And me carelessly dependent

The dark recesses of my mind

Are illuminated

In glimpses

And then gone again

With the ebb and flow

My shadow self lurks

Just beneath the surface

Searching

I both love

And don’t love her

I look to the horizon

It is blurred

I don’t recall my destination

I don’t even remember a time

Or place beyond this one

My own breath

disrupts the air

The sail ripples

Not enough to move and yet

Enough to break the silence

When the wind returns

Where will I point my rudder?

What are my bearings?

I feel the weight of the earth beneath

As I fill my lungs with air