2022: Resolving to Stand in My Own Light
It can be hard to know how vulnerable to be here.
One writer posted a challenge to share about the problems you are struggling with and how you want to change for the better in the new year. That shit is real. And my problems? They involve other people and the moving parts of my story are also the moving parts of other people’s stories. I work hard to let those people have their privacy. But I also work hard to tell my truth.
Three years ago on January 1, I gave up alcohol. It was a journey to be at that place and another journey to be done with drinking. I might write about that another time. I bring it up here because the one easy part of giving up drinking was that it was one thing. I stopped drinking. What I had to figure out to replace that with, well that’s the stuff of a book, I’m sure. But it was a simple New Year’s resolution. No more alcohol.
This year is more complicated, at least to explain. You see, I did something in 2021. I took a break from several members of my family of origin. I haven’t been in contact with them for a few months. It has been a huge relief. It has also been terrifying and sad. It has given me space to unearth a lot of things that I have no idea what to do with. With the help of a counselor, I am working through it. Making boundaries with my family has been harder than getting sober. This is deep stuff.
So what does that mean for 2022?
How do I want to change for the better? I want to figure out where I stand with this family of origin and be true to it. I want to stand in my own light and own it.
What I’ve realized I’m doing, is breaking a cycle of abuse.
I thought I broke the cycle by not abusing my own kids. But my own mistreatment by my family has continued. And stopping that is having ripple effects that are pretty amazing. My children, who have children of their own, are deepening their understanding of me, my situation, of themselves, and who they want to be in this world.
So my plan, for 2022, is to continue to do the work.
And I want to write about it here. Writing helps me. It also scares me to put real feelings and truth out there. That is part of being in an abusive family. You must keep the secrets.
But I have learned that I own my story. I tell it not only to aid in my own healing but also to give courage and understanding to anyone else that might need it. Stay tuned, my friends. ♥︎
