5 New Ideas That Have Eased My Pain
I have always lived with a lot of pain. Suffering is just part of my fabric. I have always been sick. For a while, I didn’t know it. But my parents noticed and when I was nine I had my first surgery to remove nasal polyps.
The surgery was ghastly and when I awoke the doctor told me this would definitely be one of many surgeries in my life. That was awful to hear. But once I recovered I had a period of not having daily headaches. This should have been amazing for me, right? But it kind of devastated me.
I realized that the daily pounding headaches I had my whole life were not normal. I now understood how other kids could run for the whole recess or read for hours. And I understood that the terrible procedure that had alleviated this pain was only a temporary fix. I did not have the same abilities as my friends. They did not have to endure pain through soccer games and math tests. My experience was hard and it was all mine. I determined that I was going to fight through to have the best life I could have, illness be-damned.
Within a year my polyps, along with the sinus infections and headaches, were back. In another year I would have another surgery. And this is how I would live for the rest of my life.
And then I got my period. It was awful. I would have stabbing pain and heavy bleeding that should have had me home from school at least a couple of days every month. But not me. I soldiered through! This would go on for 30 years until one day I was rushed to the hospital for emergency exploratory surgery that ended in the removal of a four-pound endometrioma. Endometriosis is another ailment with no cure. This surgery would be followed in less than two years by another. I don’t know how long my body has been ravaged by endometriosis. I have been told that my two full-term pregnancies are miracles and that I should feel fortunate. Hmmm.
For me, life has been about doctors, research, medication, and avoidance of foods and environmental factors that can exacerbate symptoms. Lucky for me I got a proper diagnosis for my sinus trouble (AERD if you’re curious) and some therapies that have really helped. I have a strict daily regimen and this keeps things relatively good. Not pain-free, but good, you know? And my endometriosis has been very quiet since my last round of treatment. I do feel very lucky for this.
Pain is isolating. I’m not sure why because all humans experience it. Ideally, when we have it we tell someone and then get the help we need to get better. But for me, getting better has never been in the cards. If I want to do anything I have to take my pain with me like an unruly companion. This has made me tough but it has also made me have bad boundaries around hard things.
I will keep going no matter how much I’m suffering. But sometimes pain comes as a warning to slow down before something really bad happens. And that red flag system misfires in me. I say yes when I should say no. I power through when I should rest. When I was very young I powered through strep throat to get scarlet fever. When my doctor asked me why I hadn’t said anything about how bad my throat was I just didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know I could complain when I was having pain. I thought I just had to carry it around silently and pretend nothing was wrong.
And this denial of self slipped into other parts of my life too. I will endure bad relationships, choosing to absorb any mistreatment. I will stay at a job that is truly terrible for me. I will carry any and all terrible burdens, not realizing that I can and should put them down. Only lately have I really been able to tease out that I do this. The pandemic gave me pause from my lousy job and many of my relationships and this pause finally gave me space to get some clarity. Here are some things I’ve learned
I don’t have to stay in relationships where I don’t feel respected. In some of my closest relationships, I was doing the bulk of the work. I was making all the concessions. When I asked for something or made a boundary, I was met with belittlement or blanket refusal. I finally took a break from these relationships. And the space that this has given me has fueled not only my other relationships but my own personal sense of calm and safety as well.
I do not have to stay in a job where I don’t feel appreciated and am not compensated well. There have been times in my life where I had to put up with these kinds of jobs but this is not one of them. Being forced to pause my job gave me a clear picture that I do not actually have to do it.
Not all illnesses are chronic. I no longer carry on when I do not feel good. At first, this was to protect other people in case I had covid. But what about to just take care of myself so that I can be as comfortable as possible when I am suffering and hopefully heal faster.
Therapy can help make life revelations new habits. I knew I needed help to keep my resolve on my changes. Making these big changes in my life has been hard. I question my choices daily. But checking in with my therapist once a week has kept me grounded in my new values. It has helped me give an honest appraisal of what is healthy and what is unhealthy in my life.
Telling others about my pain helps alleviate it. I have learned what many fellow sufferers have known for a long time, that surrounding yourself with people who get it gives comfort. I joined some Facebook groups of people who have the same chronic illnesses. These groups share information and treatment ideas but even more important than that, in m opinion, a place to give and receive encouragement on bad days and celebrations on wins.
So good news and bad news. The bad news is that I still suffer from chronic illness. The good news is that I am suffering much less. I am paying closer attention to myself. Taking careful assessments and applying solutions where I can. I am surrounding myself with people and places that support me. I am not alone. And all of this has given me hope.
