And Just Like That He Died Again

Today my father-in-law died. He was a difficult man in many ways and his passing is not engendering a lot of sadness in the family. But I find myself very blue. Gutted. So much sadder than my husband. When I search my thoughts I keep running into my own dad who died many years ago.

When my dad died I was a wreck for all kinds of reasons. He and I were close. He was a kind man and absolutely the person I wanted to sit with at every family event. My relationship with him was easy. We spoke a very similar language and we relied on each other to get stuff done. As he got sicker my mom could not keep up with the doctors and hospital visits. So I stepped in and supported him through chemo and spent nights in the hospital with him. This terrible time was also when my eldest son, 17 at the time, was in the throes of a relapse of drug addiction. The details of that are for another story. Just know that my life was a nightmare inside of a nightmare.

The day before he died I expressed to my dad how sorry I was that we had to say goodbye while my life was in such a state. He told me that he was not sorry and that he knew that I could handle it. He told me I was the best example for my son for setting goals, lining up the steps the reach them, and then just doing it. It was a great thing for him to say to me. It would take a few years but I stuck with my son and he found his way. My dad was right. I feel the loss of his wisdom and love every day.

So today I am wrecked. My father-in-law’s death has brought me back to a time when the floor fell completely out from underneath me. I am working through dark shadows and echoes of intense feelings of helplessness. Thankfully they are only echos and are much fainter than I ever remember them being. But they are there. And there is nothing to get done. There are no goals to make or steps to follow. There is just grief, which I am oddly thankful for. I am lucky to have had a dad that I miss so much.