It’s the Echo That Kills Me
Yesterday was a tough day. A young family member sent a scathing text to another family member and the ripple effects sent shock waves around the entire family. This was one of those diatribes filled with every kind of hate. No one saw it coming and people’s reactions were strong. My reaction was calm. It was measured. I know this person is young and that one day she will be embarrassed about this. I know that it is my job as a mature adult to do what I can to call her into account and to rally the other adults to keep calm and do the same. I talked to several of the family members and helped them process it. I actually went to bed feeling peace about some of the outcomes from the day that were positive. Pretty good, right?
Then came today. Today I woke up feeling good. I processed a little bit with another family member and that went really well. But as the day has progressed my anxiety has slowly leveled up. My heart is taxed. My stomach is upset. My body is weak. I find myself having moments of rage. You see, I am good in a crisis. Car wreck? Heart attack? Earthquake? I’m your girl. But when the dust settles, and everyone else has calmed down, I fall apart. I can handle the explosion, it’s the echo that kills me. It’s almost like I wait until everyone else is taken care of to make time for my own reaction. My delayed reaction always surprises me at first. Why am I freaking out now? But just because I can handle myself in the moment, doesn’t mean that I don't need time to process and recover.
So this afternoon I am giving myself some extra downtime. I will go for a walk. I will spend more time than I usually do just attending to myself. I will talk to my closest confidantes and let them know that I am having one of my delayed stress days, talk to them about some of my anger and fear. It’s good to have people in my life who can also be there for me. My feelings and reactions and needs are equally valid to all those I took care of, and I will let them run through me, giving them space to process out.
